Love.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for the past week or so, but each time I sit in front of my computer I suddenly loose all motivation and I end up watching another korean drama or vegan recipes videos. Since coming back from Malaysia and Myanmar, I haven’t been feeling my best, and if you’re following me on YouTube you’ll know that my social anxiety has been acting up, and that I haven’t been feeling my best. Especially after being back from the south where I could see my friends and family every day and now being lonely as f* in Paris.

I therefore spend a lot of my time indoor, being slightly nostalgic about my trip. There is one city I especially miss : Mandalay. I did love Yangon, and I did like every city, every place we visited during our trip to Myanmar, but Mandalay ended up being my favourite town. It’s not as dirty as Yangon, not as crowded, no big building or avenue, but many motorbikes, temples and pagodas. Also many many very friendly people. Unfortunately, it also turned out to be the city in which I heard the bad news about my grandmother having a stroke.

I remember it perfectly well. I was sitting on my bed, in the spacious hotel room, looking at the workers painting the building accross the street without any safety, on those fragile bamboo sticks when my friend told me I should call my mother. ” It’s odd she tried to contact you and that your sister left you a message. Maybe something has happened.”. I didn’t really take it seriously, after all what could have happened? Nobody, and especially not my grandmother came to mind. No one was sick, had any health issues and my grandmother wasn’t even drinking, driving or working. I had called her before flying from Paris and she was just fine. But when my sister answered my phone I suddenly felt very cold. She was crying and I still didn’t get it. Perhaps one of the cats? The dog? ” Grandma had an accident”. I felt colder and bloodless. My eyes laid on the edge of the bed and couldn’t move anymore. As informations came out of my sister’s mouth I tried to console her and hold back the tears. I could feel my friend staring at me, and I had to run to the bathroom after hanging up.

I believe no one is ever truly prepared for that sort of news. I really wasn’t. My grandmother had had her fair share of back luck, which makes the situation even more difficult to accept, but she was healthy. She isn’t even that old, she was active, she ate healthy too, she exercised more than me, she would write me texts everyday, call me on skype and always there for us. Why and how? Why mostly. But you don’t get answers to this. I still can’t really believe this is real. There is no harsher lesson in life than to loose, in a way or another, someone you love.

After this, I would cry randomly throughout the trip, have panic attacks at night, miss her and read the texts she sent me over and over again. I decided to go back to France to earlier, to feel closer to her, to be able to call my mom and because I couldn’t stand being alone. It was just odd to be enjoying the country, visiting beautiful places, smiling to people while my grandmother was struggling, battling death in the early stage. The people of Myanmar however, with their kindness and warmth made me feel a lot better. Going out and being talked to, cared for and laughing with strangers was soothing.

A few hours after learning about my grandmother, we decided to go out to see Mandalay hill. I had a terrible headache and felt dizzy from crying too much, and I have nothing positive to add. I can’t tell you it felt good to be out, nor that it made things alright or easier. Mandalay hill is a beautiful place, as I breathed in the cool air, looking down on the city I tried to send love and positive energy out there, hoping it would somehow reach my grandmother where she was. Hoping that faith and trust in God would make a difference. My grandmother didn’t die, she did woke up from the coma she was in. She recognizes us, but her right side is paralyzed and she cannot talk nor walk. Communication is very difficult, and her mind has been altered. It’s very painful and very difficult to deal with this situation. I am very much affected by it, but I want to be hopeful and support her.

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This isn’t really travel related, as most of my posts on here and I wasn’t planning on writing at length about it… I guess I needed to share it with you. I know I’m not the only one in that situation, I know it’s not the worst situation and that many people have it way harder, and I cannot help but think that most people in Myanmar, living in villages and such would probably die after a stroke, not able to reach the hospital in time. Life’s a constant flux, a constant movement in which you put things in perspective and try to be a decent human being, you weigh your luck and your misfortune trying to balance it all and keep going. That’s what I’m trying to, and maybe what my grandmother is trying to do as well.

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7 Replies to “Love.”

  1. Emy, you are very strong and brave to share this with us and send us a positive message even though it’s hard. My dad had a very bad accident in April, he fell from the roof of a tall house, and it was the worst time of my life. I can totally relate to you. Sending you good vibes💙

  2. I can relate to that, what you and your mother and sister went through during the past few days.

    I lost mh maternal grandfather – my favourite person in the world – back in 2010. I was away from home travelling.

    He had a heart attack, but him being the strong independent person he was, he couldn’t tell. He called my mum and his other daughters and told them he was feeling chest pain and asked them if they could accompany him to the doctor’s. They took him to the hospital and the doctor told them that he had a heart attack and that they need to keep him under observation at the hospital. After a few minutes he had a second massive attack and passed away; but because he looked so unusually calm and quiet that everybody thought he was asleep.

    It was only when my cousin went to check on him and tried to wake him up that they realised that he was gone.

    I’m 30 now and as far as I can remember, I’ve cried a few times (secretly) in my life. But when I heard the news, I couldnt cry. I couldn’t feel anything. I was in a state of disbelief. I guess its because I almost worshipped him.

    When I look back at my life now and try to think about the the losses I’ve suffered, I don’t recall anything else, not the other deaths in the family, not losing a year in college, not having fallen out with my best friend and never speaking again since 2011, not even the worst relationship which ended with me finding her in our bedroom on my bed with my friend, nothing. I just remember me not being at my grandfather’s side in his last moment…

    I’m very sorry I made it too long. Forgive me for boring you with my story.

    actually, what I’ve realised is that death doesn’t only mean that a life has ended. Death also means that a life was lived, and wonderful things were achieved. Promises were made, some were kept; others, broken. But a life was lived, in all its features and dimensions.

    And so now every year on 25 February, I remember my grandfather for the wonderful, loving, caring human being he was, an ordinary human being with ordinary concerns.
    And I love life even more, every moment of it.

    Omar Khayyam said:

    “Be happy for this moment; this moment is your life.”

    Take care

  3. sending love.
    stay strong, it’s going to be all right.

  4. After reading your previous post, I’ve come to realize just how much I’ve neglected and abused my family, loved ones and the place in which I’ve grown. This blog proves to me that we are all looking for certain answers to questions and confusions that seem unfair at times, yes, we all age, we all can get sick, we all Live. Is it misfortune or is it Nature, is it luck or is it God? Is there more than what we can currently Perceive or do we truly have it all figured out and under control? Emy, over the last few months, I have been more embarrassed and ashamed than I have ever been in all of my experiences, due to a few major things that have happened to me and One that I Love. I met a Person who my opinion is the highest of, sometimes I get fanatical over her, sometimes even crazy, but I am also more hopeful and optimistic than ever despite my own instability. You have helped me more than you Know with this problem, and if there was anything I could do to fix all of this overnight, I would. You are a Beautiful Existence that the World itself wouldn’t want to lose. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions Emy, I hope you reach the Ones you are meant to, and I hope the Ones who are meant to reach you, do. Love,

  5. Plein de courage et de bonnes ondes pour toi ! Comme je suis sur Lourdes aujourd’hui, je peux allumer une bougie pour toi, ta grand-mère, et ta famille si tu veux ! Ça coûte rien et ça me ferait plaisir de le faire :).
    ( Ma photo préférée, c’est la dernière! )

  6. Holly Johnston says: Reply

    Sending love your way and to your family. Your capacity to love and try and see the best of things even in dark situations is hugely inspiring and admirable. We are all here with you <3 <3 <3

  7. J’imagine comment c’était dur de vivre ce mélange d’émotions, à plusieurs niveaux très forts dans des temps très rapprochés, par rapport à plusieurs endroits où tu ne peux pas être dans le même laps de temps… Ces moments très douloureux nous rappellent qu’on doit essayer de vivre chaque instant présent. J’ai eu le malheur de perdre mon seul grand-père connu, j’allais avoir 18 ans, c’était très brutal et j’étais très bouleversé (je le suis encore d’une certaine manière rien que d’en parler) parce que je l’adorais et j’étais très triste pour ma grand-mère. Je me rappelle avoir été mal à l’aise de ne pas pleurer comme presque toute la famille alors que j’adorais mon grand-père follement. En fait j’étais dans un état de choc assez grave pendant des semaines, et c’était trop pour moi, je n’arrivais pas à réaliser. Si seulement j’avais eu un psy pour en parler… C’est très bien que tu en aies parlé ici je pense, et j’espère que ça va t’aider à trouver la force d’affronter tout ça. Prends soin de toi, ça peut paraître idiot de dire ça, mais je sais qu’on a parfois tendance à s’oublier dans ces moments de tourment. 💕

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